the_kitty_queen

Since my little "chat" with myself, I'm pleased to say I'm doing pretty well. This mind over matter thing seems to have some merit ;-) I'm not saying that I've not had moments where I was tearful, sad, or other wise apathetic because I can't say that. But those episodes do not consume my day or prevent me from being productive. I managed to do a full on grocery shopping trip (the new Meijer in Urbana pisses me off), some household chores, some homework, pay bills, and still find time for some knitting and a nap with Joey this weekend. I'm still not sleeping well and not answering the phone, but I didn't expect overnight miracles.
The lack of restful sleep bothers me more than anything. I wake up multiple times in the night, panicked over the economy, debt, work, vacuuming, not feeling "normal"... I see my "shrink" Thursday, thankfully, and plan to chat with her about it. I'm hoping she has something up her sleeve. The Lexpro and Omega-3 aren't cutting it. Of course, getting my ass back in a gym might help. Endorphins are good.

Last night I made a decision. I decided to stop being broken. Yes, it's a crazy notion but my thinking is this... If I stop thinking of myself as broken, I'll stop feeling broken. Mind over matter.
So... Today I'm pleased to report was a better day for me. Still moments of wondering thoughts and lack of concentration but overall an improvement. Of course the day isn't over and tomorrow's a different day. But overall, I'm pleased. And if this new perspective fails me, I see my shrink next Thursday ;-) When all else fails, more drugs.
I saw the doctor today. Nothing extraordinary to share as the lab results were not in. So my visit centered around recovery post-DNC and a mental health check. I see my OB March 5th. Hopefully the test results will be in and we'll know something more than nothing. Of course, I was just telling Scott this afternoon that hearing "It's just one of those things that happen in some pregnancies" is not a real answer. We'll see. Doctor also wants to talk about what we can do in the next pregnancy. Ha! I'm not even certain that's going to happen. I'm afraid. I think I'm more afraid than eager to be a mother. Again, we'll see.

Friends, family, co-workers send prayers and give hugs. They say things like "everything happens for a reason", "I know [insert name/relation] and they lost [pick a number] and they now have [pick another number] healthy children."

What these well meaning people do not see is that those things do not make anything better or easier. As if I don't know these things myself. As if those are the only things influencing me. What about the fact that my body prefers to hold onto pregnancies that stopped progressing 4 weeks prior? Does my body prefer death over life? I think so.

I feel fragmented, worn like an old thread. I'm scared to leave the safety of my house, to be away from my husband. I feel like I'm one step removed from being institutionalized and people are telling me that I can try again. Sure, I've no physical reason to not try again. But what about my sanity? My emotional stability? I know grief. I grieved when Grandma died, followed by Opie, my first pregnancy, then my Father. All within 10 months. What I feel now isn't grief. I'm broken.

I don't know how Mom can continue calling me strong. I'm not. There are stronger people out there. Women who time and time again lose a child and keep trying for another baby. They're the strong ones. I collapse at 2. No, I'm weak.

Monday night there was a horrible thunder and lightening storm. It woke me from a dead sleep and Scott checked the house for an actual strike. The storm was that close. The house wasn't on fire, so we went back to bed. Well, Tuesday Scott discovers that the storm fried our PC. Lovely. The damned thing isn't even paid off yet.  So much for surge protectors!  So Scott's busy wondering what we did to piss of Thor while I begin the process of "can it be fixed" or "do we replace it"?  

The IT guy in my office said that power supply was gone but the motherboard was working. However, he strongly cautioned that it might not be reliable. This was bad news for us especially since I'd already spent $700 at the Apple Store buying a new mini!  do we take it back or keep it? We decided to keep it, it's too cool to give up.

The good news is, the homeowners insurance will compensate us for the loss of the PC. We've decided to replace the power supply and give it to my parents. They don't have a computer and they've done so much for us it seems like a good idea. And if it only last them a few months, they were going to buy one eventually. This one will at least get them on their feet.

I've been negligent in my journaling, for which I feel guilty. My dreaming hasn't been that exciting. I've not been remembering the past several nights all that clearly so they leave me just as quickly as they are unclear. I believe Sunday night I had old fashioned wooden lockers in my dream. The wall lockers, not footlockers or chests. Two nights ago I remember being very active in my dream. I was in many different locations but I don't recall a searching or frantic quality. Just here and there. 

Last night's dream though, Opie was in it. For those of you not in the know... Opie was my cat for 11 years (he's currently in use as my LiveJournal avatar). He and I were companions for longer than I've been married and he died this year, at 12 years of age, from kidney failure.  Loosing him was one of the most difficult things I have done. He was  a good friend and I miss him terribly, as does Scott.  Opie was very protective of me. He was known to sit between me and strangers. I've heard him growl.  When Scott wasn't at home, he was even  more protective of me. Wouldn't leave my side until Scott got home.  Opie was also exceptionally smart. He could use door knobs and would walk on a leash.  He was also my warrior. He kept the house safe from all sorts of vermin, including opossum's.  Scott and I like to believe that he's with Freya these days, curled up by her hurth and catching mice for her.  

Any hoo... In my dream Opie was just sitting in the room watching everyone and everything. Not being apart of things, just observing.  Makes me wonder if he's still watching out for me.  It's a nice thought. 

I've also noticed lately that I'm more agitated than normal. I'm antsy and restless at bedtime. I'm not certain what's going on but I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually.

Third night in a row! This means I'm doing something right. 

Last night's dream wasn't any more logical than those before it. Last night started with me getting in to a classic convertible, a model I didn't pay any attention to. In fact it was one car out of about 10 others like it. All convertibles. All classic. But the other occupants were the various members of the Arquette family. Most of them being women. As we drove, I began counting the ones that I knew. Oddly enough, most of them weren't really Arquette's, but were in the dream. Like Hillary Duffy. [What the hell is she doing in my subconscious anyway?!?]  There was no David, Courtney or Coco. But Alexis was there as was Patricia. At that point, none of them interacted with me, though we were obviously traveling together.

Next thing I knew I'm on some sort of freight carrier with these same people. There's a large glass room at one end, encircled with several rows of stairs. I'm sitting on one looking into the glass room. They're having a party. Tables laid out in rows, covered in long white table clothes. They're eating white cake and all are now wearing white clothes. All different outfits, but all in the exact shade of white. I hear a plane approaching and know that it's a mail delivery about to drop a mail bundle. So I run to my dad, who's covered in dirt and grime from what he'd been doing in the engine room. He gives me a hug and hands me my mail as I see Scott's father, Neal (who's been dead for 3 years).  He's wearing a cast on his left arm elbow to knuckles and only limping slightly. I link my arm into his broken one and ask him to finally introduce me to his family. He smiles and we head for the glass room and the Arquettes.

Okay... So, Scott's not in any known way connected with the Arquettes. His father, I've never known to have a broken arm. And Scott's father's family are nothing like the Arquette's. His father's family would have shunned a transvestite. They're more likely to be missionaries than actors. Children aren't named Coco but traditional names like Nancy, Shirley, David. My dad's never worked on a ship but was a mechanic for Burlington Northern Railroad for 18 years and now works for Amtrak. 

I've always wanted to meet the Arquettes and see what kind of family they are. They're eccentric and creative, comfortable, it seems, with who and what they are. This dream, is easier for me to understand. I can see why it is what it is. I'd like to be a member of a family like that. A family who fosters each person regardless. A talented family, strong and bold.

I dreamed again last night. Two nights in a row. Hasn't happened like that in a very long time. 

Last night was also a little strange. I don't remember everything about it but what I do remember is this... I was picked up from a college campus that I've never visited before. I remember thinking that it reminded me of Millikin, but hillier, more secluded, and wooded. I don't remember why I was leaving, but it seems my dorm had been damaged and i needed a new place to live. I don't remember who was driving, but we were in a large vehicle, like my Dad's F-150, and I was being driven to a woman's home who I knew but didn't name. I woke thinking she reminded me of a friends aunt, Resa. Single, wealthy, and extravagant. During the drive there, we talked about the woman's home. It was on a body of water and boats could be seen easily from the driveway. We talked about the woman's new boat. I woke with the thought that the boat reminded me of the old silver campers (streamlines?). Round, small, and shiny. 

Again, no idea what it signifies. Though I'm not worried. The fact that I'm remembering dreams at all is enough for me.  

This morning is my first day back to work since the Christmas break at the University. I've spent this morning in a strange headspace. I've been producing reports for my co-workers while listening to various pagan and divination podcasts. On one hand I'm knee deep in computers, data, and cyberspace. On the other hand, I'm nurturing my inner self.

I've always viewed the computer as a removal from the spirit and nature. Pulling me away from the natural order of being. But this morning it occurred to me that I'm wrong. The computer age, though it does separate us, also unifies, educates, and inspires. If not for iTunes and podcasting, I couldn't have listed to "A Darker Shade of Pagan" or the "Tarot Connection" as I ran my reports. And obviously, without the internet I couldn't, obviously, keep an online journal here or elsewhere. Seems I've had an a-ha moment. I'm a pagan living in a computer age, trying to reconnect with my seer self.